…well, you should try doing my job!

I mean… Take my first boss for starters. A complete tyrant. Only woke me up this morning at 4:30 – 4:30! – demanding food. Now I know technically that’s in my job description, and I suppose I shouldn’t grumble, but the last thing I did before I turned in last night was make sure he’d had a good nosh. It doesn’t seem too much to ask for him to wait till morning – I mean it’s not like I start late. Today it was the crack of dawn (6:30) and I was at work on time and serving breakfast for three despots.

That’s the big trouble with having more than one line manager – they all know that I’m working for three of them, but they don’t think to co-ordinate their deadlines or anything, so I’m always trying to finish three things at once. If they would only wait – talk to each other or whatever before banging out their orders then I’d have more time to deal with each one properly – and then we wouldn’t have the quality control problems we sometimes have.

6:30 breakfast (x3), alternative breakfast (x2)

7:15 dressing (x3) & 1x clean nappy

8:00 looking for shoes (all shoes out of shoe box)

8:30 travel to first drop-off

9:30 return to base & feed x1 + ‘messy play’ X1

10:30 boss 1 poos everywhere – bath required; boss 2 wets self while boss 1 being bathed

11:30 prepare meal for boss 2; wash soiled clothes, clear up after ‘messy play’

12:00 boss 2 eating prepared meal while boss 1 feeds

12:15 boss 2 throws prepared meal on floor; prepare alternative while boss 1 cries at interruption; clean nappy

12:45 boss 1 sleeps; wash alternative meal out of boss 2’s hair – to accompanying screaming; wipe boss 2’s bottom after poo

1:15 boss 2 falls asleep in front of TV; try to make own snack – boss 1 wakes 1 x clean nappy

1:30 boss 1 back to sleep; try to make own snack – parcel delivery for firm next door

1:45 washed clothes into tumble dryer; try to make own snack; t/c from inspector – inspection will occur at 7:00pm tonight

I’m not a racist but … it doesn’t help that English isn’t their first language. I would have thought that if you were going to be someone’s employer you should at least be able to give clear instructions. But oh no! Half the time what they’re asking for sounds like complete gobbledegook – I’m an expert in my field but I’ve no idea what they want! – but you can bet your bum that if I make a mistake they’ll bring the house down. Even when I can understand them, what it boils down to is they want the moon on a stick. They’re in charge but they don’t understand the first things about the natural limits in our line of work. And when I don’t deliver…well you’ve never heard the screaming and shouting like it. Sometimes they even try to hit me or bite me. I had a word with the union who said that’s definitely bullying and I should make a complaint to someone more senior – but they’re the top management. Who could I complain to?

2:15 give up on own snack; boss 2 wakes, demands drink; wrong drink, cries

2:30 still crying, also kicking furnishings; boss 1 wakes also crying

2:45 boss 1 feeds to sound of boss 2 shouting and kicking sofa; clean nappy

3:00 travel to pick up boss 3; boss 2 shouts ‘I hate you, I hate you’ at top of voice for most of journey

4:00pm return to base

4:15 mediate in row between bosses 2 & 3; boss 1 cries, clean nappy; remove laundry from tumble dryer

4:30 provide first aid to boss 3 for unexplained injury; boss 2 spreads clean laundry on floor in attempt to build den; boss 1 cries

4:45 boss 1 is sick on clean laundry on floor; unrecognisable substance in vomit; t/c to NHS direct

5:00 clean clothes on boss 1; while waiting for call back from NHS Direct, boss 2 confesses to feeding playdoh to boss 1; playdoh non-toxic – have avoided the sack – thank goodness; boss 3 ‘tidies’ vomit-stained laundry by rubbing into carpet

5:30 (wash hands carefully) prepare meal; vomit-stained laundry back in the machine; attempt to clean carpet

6:00pm feed boss 1 while bosses 2&3 eat prepared meal; approx 25% of meal relocated to floor

And anyway – and this is the sad part – a big part of me loves this job. I wouldn’t want to quit and do something else. I just can’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t want to do this. They can’t tell me when I’ve done something right – I don’t think ‘thank you’ is in their language – but when I do manage to get things exactly as they need it, I can tell just by the look on their faces – and then, well I’m walking on air.

There are more ups than downs. Only one of them is doubly incontinent, and although the others ‘mess’ occasionally, I knew that being in the ‘personal services’ line of work I’d sometimes be at the messy end - so to speak - so I accept it as part of the deal. I take pride in making sure they are clean and comfortable, and I suppose what I offer them is therapeutic, in that they’re getting better all the time – with their speech, with their motor control, with their bodily functions. Every day I try to think of new things to stretch them – as well as familiar things to help them feel secure, so it’s a good brain work out for me. And at least I’m not stuck behind a desk all the time. I’ve met some great people through this line of work and I wouldn’t swap that for anything. I’ve even got used to working a double-shift every day and having no time off for weekends or holidays. I’d probably be completely happy if it wasn’t for a) the stuff that’s not in my job description and b) being on call at night as well.

It’s the stuff that’s not in my job description that really gets on my nerves though. I guess someone somewhere said ‘as she’s here’ that I can do the purchasing, manage the laundry and the cleaning too, as well as sorting out the company books. To be honest, I’d like to ignore some of that stuff – I mean working double shifts for one boss is enough, without doing it for three, but there should be service contracts for the other stuff, shouldn’t there? But I can’t ignore it. That’s the bit that the inspector always looks at – not the creative work I’m actually here to do.

6:30 further attempt to clean carpet before inspector calls; bosses 2&3 engaged in heated ‘discussion’ – makeshift weapons are used. Boss 2 sustains nosebleed.

7:00 prepare boss 1 for bed; inspector arrives

Didn’t I tell you about the inspector? The inspector comes every day at seven pm. He doesn’t care about our achievements as an organisation, or whether my bosses are happy or achieving their goals. All he cares about is whether he can get from front to back of the building without treading on something underfoot, or whether the store-cupboards and laundry stacks are properly stocked. He expects a meal when he gets here too – which I think is a bit of a cheek. The inspector arrives when I’m just winding down at the end of my second shift. Sometimes at this point I haven’t eaten or drunk anything all day. Sometimes I even realise I haven’t had a chance to pee! So I guess you can see why I get really cheesed off if the inspector finds fault with something I haven’t done. I bite my tongue though. A cross inspector means all the bosses get cross too – and if anything makes for a bad night on call, it’s a cross boss!

Inspection outcome – errors noted:

Blood on carpet

Puddle of water / carpet cleaner on carpet

Pile of replica swords / guns blocking access

Remains of meal uncleared – health hazard

Unwashed laundry in machine – health hazard

Pervading smell of vomit, slightly masking smell of poo

No cooked food available

Speaking of which – I’d better turn in – the night-shift starts in half an hour and I need to pee. But any time you want to do my job, you just give me a shout.

<CLOCKS ON FOR NIGHT SHIFT>