If you google ‘woman’ then you are immediately presented with the gender picture associated with women. There are women’s magazines, women’s sites, women’s businesses, pornography, women’s health (a problem, needless to say). All of which can be interesting, when I’m in the right mood. Does that mean I’m only a woman when I’m in the right mood? That a desperate housewife is gender ‘woman’ is clear, most women on telly are, otherwise we’d get confused. But I want to know about real women, not the glossed over lives of plastic people. Do women (biological sex) think of themselves primarily as ‘woman’ or as ‘me’? And if one thinks of oneself in terms of ‘woman’, then isn’t one doomed to failure... as the gender picture ‘woman’ is an impossible... dream/nightmare, depending whether you are male or female!

What are the features of ‘woman’? Well, slim is sure. So if you’re round or fat, then you’re out of it... but hold on, what about ‘womanly curves’? OK, slim with large breasts should cover that one. Lots of hair on head, very little on body. Woe betide any of you who suffer hair loss or can’t be bothered to remove every hair in sight, you are not women!! Women have long hair (to distinguish them from men) this hair is either blond or sort of brown with a red glow. Grey is not allowed; grey hair, especially when short and in combination with red lipstick, obviously means ‘lesbian’... for some odd reason. When old, women become ‘ladies’ and have short hair. I don’t know why. Maybe long hair is an outward sign of fertility? But hold on, that doesn’t make sense....

As to the skills of ‘woman’, well they’re not too difficult to master. Not speaking until required to say ‘darling, you’re my hero’, not picking nose in public, coping with no sleep and long hours, good in bed but undemanding, able to pick up socks, wash them, return them to drawer without complaining. And presenting a perfect house and meal whenever required. Like I say, easy. For aliens.